Sunday, October 17, 2010

What's the Secret?

I live in a town which is full of green spaces, biking and walking trails, yoga studios, vegetarian and vegan restaurants and is very bike-friendly. It's literally the easiest place in the world to keep fit. Where is my willpower? It's been submerged underneath physical pain and chronic fatigue. I can tolerate a certain amount of exercise but if I overdo it by even a small amount, I pay for it for days. That's a powerful incentive to not do anything; I don't have that luxury anymore. I'm about to turn 45 this week and my family health history is terrible. I have to find willpower. I seriously need it if I'm not going to die young like my mother did. Mom did not take good care of herself, she was too busy taking care of me and anyone else who needed it. She didn't have a selfish bone in her body and that killed her at age 58. Maybe if she had valued herself as much as I (and many others) valued her, she would have eaten better and exercised more. Maybe I would still have her with me......

I think that in order to overcome whatever mental blocks you may have about taking care of yourself, you must first genuinely love yourself. I like myself; I think I'm a nice person and I do my best (most of the time), but I'm not at the point where I love myself. That's quite a big leap in my mind. I have no idea about what it would take to love myself. Do I have to accomplish something major in my life? Do I have to have loads of friends? Must I be successful in my work? What is it?

I don't want to leave the impression that I sit around feeling sorry for myself. I'm not a whining lump of self-pity. I usually have very little empathy for those who do throw 'pity parties'. I absolutely do not want people inquiring about my health woes whenever I see them. If I feel bad, you'll know it; it's impossible to keep it off my face. I hate not being able to keep up with everyone else physically anymore. It's difficult getting old.

On the other hand, getting older means that I don't have to pretend that I care what people think. About anything. That's a fairly good trade-off. I care about what my friends and family think, but it's not going to affect me like it used to when I was in my 20s. I'm generally happier than I've ever been in my life. That's an excellent trade-off for getting older. Mom would like that.

No comments: